Regathering

A lot has happened since that last post.  A lot.

The thing that is inescapable and pervading, despite my attempts to block it out, is that my mum died. Suddenly, yes; yet, it seems that we had been dodging it for years - the blood poisoning after an emergency hysterectomy, the breast cancer, the triple bypass. It seems that it only just happened and forever ago, as if it always has been; sometimes it feels as if I cannot grasp the life I had with her, it was so lacking in reality, and that is one of the most terrifying parts of this.

Grief is so deeply personal, and so hard to fathom when you are not experiencing it, I do not plan to spend much time on it specifically. But it is everywhere, at all times, with me in differing intensities, and always with the capacity to wind me, suddenly, in its sharpness - the episode of Pop Culture Happy Hour on Yesterday, which I could not get through; the fiftieth reading of Where the Wild Things Are with the peanut which suddenly cut through me; the start of a football season without her.

I have a lot to work through, frankly. I do not want this to be the space for that, but it will seep in, inevitably. But what I do want to use this for is thinking about the good in my life, the things that I cannot share with her but want to, desperately.

I am not quite sure why I am doing this but putting it out in the world feels peaceful and calming. A way to somehow make solid everything that feels so shaky and insubstantial otherwise.

Birdlife

It's been bastard cold (a technical term, that) for the last few days. NYC schools had a snow day on Thursday, so we hunkered down for the day, and then the cold has kept us from doing much out and about; despite my beloved's general refusal to admit that maybe it is a little too cold to do things, even he has only had us out once or twice a day in the below freezing climes.

We bought a bird feeder when we first moved into this apartment, and the last few days it has proved its worth as entertainment, as well as provider of nourishment for the little things.  Sparrows we always get in abundance; one or two ringed doves appear, as well.  But the colder weather and scarcity of food have brought a female & male cardinal pair to us; even better, a pair of blue jays has graced us with its presence.  Their plumage, something between grey and blue, with that bright splash of a tail, always inspires wonder.

Things That I Have Read at Ungodly Hours While up with the Bairn

We have a very, very small child now.  This is going to be a cumulative, ongoing list of things that I have read to try to keep myself entertained while the kid does not sleep.

• A Challenge to Lepton Universality in B Meson Decays - throwback to my dreams of being a particle physicist.  I even have a copy of this somewhere, for goodness' sake.  I actually understood some of the paper, too.  (Can't wait for the little one to read this beautiful book, too - and the author's whole series of books.)
• When should you take a child from his parents? That one was as fun as the title suggests. I knew acorn this article because I vaguely know the attorney who represents the main subject of this profile, and life working there is as important and rough as it sounds.  Although not as terrible as having your children taken from you, clearly. 
• A paper on neutrino scattering!
• An old book review discussing the friendship between Einstein and Gödel. 
• An amazing ACLU amicus brief responding to a coal magnate's desire to shut up John Oliver.  
• Bees and the concept of zero. 
• A dinosaur mummy!
• This astonishing interview with James Baldwin from 1968.  It's frightening how much still applies. 
• How to escape from quicksand!
• Aptly, in the wake of the horrors in Charlottesville, the myth of the kindly General Lee. 
• A wonderful interview with the editor of two extremely exciting books - Exit West and Home Fire. 
• A celebration of BBC 1Xtra.
• A recognition of the legacy of the sculptor Augusta Savage. 

Burgeoning

Spring, as you may have noticed, is a favourite of mine.  It's not so great in on the US east coast, where we get about four weeks of reasonable weather starting in April, then it becomes so hot one cannot breathe without sweating.  Pollen is abundant here, too - I read something (possibly nonsense; I don't have enough biological knowledge to discern that) about the type of trees that the city uses to avoid shedding too much blossom; apparently these have more pollen than the other kinds.  Either way, I understand why people here are not so keen.

But, as someone brought up in a city where March (at the latest) brings magnolias, crocuses, snowdrops, bluebells, and the glorious scent of hyacinths, it's so exciting to see what has survived the winter, and be pleasantly surprised by the small victories.  Our oak leaf hydrangea is back with a vengeance; miraculously, the wisteria seems to have gone from all brown to green shoots appearing and multiplying each day.  Even one of our hostas, which seemed a lost hope, have suddenly grown inches in the past few days.  Similarly, out of nowhere we have ferns coming back to life, shoots pushing up, with their tight spirals unfurling into those beautiful, ancient leaf formations.  These are just small beginnings, but after our plants struggling last year, our first growing season in this house, they are exciting to watch, and encouraging for more growth this summer.

Springing!

Now that spring finally seems to be coming to Brooklyn, I'm in a much sprightlier mood.  This may  be connected also to my having the week off work (although correlation does not equal causation, clearly).   The hydrangea is clearly back with a vengeance - buds everywhere! - the wisteria has buds, much to my relief, and one of my hostas is going to make it back, which is a surprise.  We have new geraniums in our boxes, the daffodils are springing up, and it feels like the soil under our feet is finally getting warm.  I'm not ruling out some snow before April departs - it's happened before and can definitely happen again - but, for now, I'm going to do some grading outside and enjoy the growth before the mosquitos arrive.

In accordance with my spring-induced enthusiasm, I am doing the Apartment Therapy Spring Cleaning Challenge - 20 minutes a day, one small task.  Number 2 (yesterday) was to clean the fridge.  I did not really do a... thorough job, it's fair to say, but the fridge looks so much better thanks to just a quick clean out and wipe down.  Hallelujah.  So it's definitely worth it.  Today: the shower head, something that I have genuinely never considered cleaning before.