Unwholesome*

Yesterday I made the fatal error of thinking I could "just pick up some sausages" from Whole Foods. Foolishness. I had been lulled into that by I'm not sure what... forgetfulness, lunacy, or indeed the very good experience I had there earlier this week when buying an orchid - the flower lady was fabulous, orchid beautiful, all well and good.

* Apologies to those who have heard some format of this rant before. I thought I'd got it off my chest, but apparently not.

Nonetheless, yet again I went and yet again I ending up swearing to myself that NEVER AGAIN would I step foot in that stupid, stupid, stupid supermarket. Here's a blow-by-blow account of my time there:

8.05pm: Enter behind girl wearing ridiculous pageboy hat. Vow to not ever think I'll look good in one of those, no matter how long I live in NYC.

8.08pm: Get stuck trying to pass the deli counter where woman stands in middle of aisle and refuses to move.

8.11pm: Find veggie sausages. Get sausages from deli. Instead of three, get four meat ones because other half normally grumbles about too few sausages. Brilliant - in and out so quickly, a miracle.

8.12pm: Walk to the checkouts. Look somewhat in disbelief at the queue snaking back to the muffin carousel. Realise that yes, this is the "express" checkout.

8.15pm: Fume inwardly at the stupid people in front of me who clearly have more than 10 items in their trolleys. Daydream about confronting them and their inability to count. Realise what I am doing and loathe myself for what I have allowed Whole Foods to make me become.

8.16pm: Notice that Whole Foods management actually knows that it is "10 items or fewer"- internally commend them for this fact.

8.17pm: Continue to fume at the people in front who CLEARLY have more than 10 items.

8.19pm: Note the incredibly nice and VERY high-heeled shoes two people manage to shop in. Am wearing scuzzy trainers, as always.

8.25pm: Fume as realise that lady with HUGE amounts of collagen in her lips and who is in the large baskets queue, having arrived at the same time as me, is going to leave Whole Foods a good twenty minutes before me.

8.28pm: Longingly look at the ginger Green & Black's chocolate, only to remember that they are owned by Nestlé and I don't buy Nestlé products. Damn stupid consumer boycotts and "ethics".

8.35pm: Wonder what Jaime Pressly did to get on the front of Wine Connoisseur monthly, or whatever it's called.

8.36pm: Feel highly smug that the very very beautiful and impeccably dressed couple in front of me don't recognise Jaime Pressley. Feel very very very dirty for what I've become.

8.38pm: Wonder who exactly buys Shambhala Sun magazine.

8.41pm: Get text message from friend confirming that in fact other friend is in town and having dinner with us. Lose will to live at the thought of leaving the queue again, decided everyone will have to make do with two sausages each.

8.45pm: get directed to a counter by someone who could well be only half my age.

8.46pm: manage to get change from a $20 that includes Andrew Jackson. This hitherto mythical event somewhat dampened by fact that am so flustered to get out of Whole Foods--due to their rapid pressing of the next-customer-flashing-light-thing and how annoying it is to wait in the queue--that throw money everywhere. Oops.

8.47pm: ESCAPE TO COLUMBUS CIRCLE. Vow never to set foot in whole foods ever again at the weekend. Go home and moan and moan about this to people who are kind enough to put up with my moaning.